French for Grapefruit

Step 1
You’ll wake up with a tune in your head that you must hear for fear of it being stuck in your head all night.

Step 2
Locate iPod. The power is probably drained, thus you cannot listen.

Step 3
You should plug in the iPod.

Step 4
Thirteen minutes later the power bar should indicate the iPod is fully charged.

Step 5
After you unplug the iPod its power bar should drop to 1/4 capacity.

Step 6
You should plug the iPod back in. Go to your kitchen to and make French for Grapefruit’s breakfast of champions, Corn Flakes and Whiskey. Ignore anyone who might sarcastically call this a ‘breakfast of unemployment’, ‘breakfast of alcoholics’ or ‘breakfast of masochists’. They don’t know you, man!

Step 7
After eating four to six bowls of French for Grapefruits ‘Breakfast of Champions’ you will most likely pass out.

Step 8
You will then wake up after slightly wetting your pants. We recommend you change your clothes at this point, and shower if there is time.

Step 9
After showering/changing you can check in on your iPod, which should be fully charged even though the power bar hasn’t changed.

Step 10
Unplug your iPod, if it remains charged remains charged you will be feeling an inflated sense of optimism and self-esteem. If it doesn’t remain charged repeat steps 6 through 10 until iPod is charged.

Step 11
When you attempt to turn on your iPod the device will malfunction.

Step 12
It would be best if you swallowed the maniacal laughter now rising in your throat which is bubbling up due to the possibility you have purchased $450 dollars worth of overpriced, much hyped, poorly built electronics.

Step 13
Stare at your iPod. Hard.

Step 14
An inner dialogue will now commence as to whether you are qualified to fix a complicated electronic device with ‘hard looking’ technique.

Step 15
You will probably diagnose problem with iPod as this: It keeps making a ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ sound.

Step 16
You iPod is now displaying a ‘SadMac’ face, despite you usage of the ‘hard look’ repair technique. It should be noted that ‘SadMac’ is a total jerk-off in real life.

Step 17
By this point you should probably try a ‘hard reboot’. Your skepticism is warranted and natural as the failure of the ‘hard stare’ repair technique will still be fresh in your mind. Set this aside for now and concentrate.

Step 18
Proceed with the ‘hard reboot’.

Step 19
You will feel like a success when iPod appears to start properly.

Step 20
You will then feel like a failure when it continues with the ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ sounds 17 times in a row.

Step 21
By now the maniacal laughter will rise again. You can cut it off by slicing your arm with any nearby, and sharp, household item.

Step 22
If you feel like consulting the online help at this point we’ll save you some time, ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ will not be listed as a resolvable issue.

Step 23
At this point it is best to repeat Step 14, only this time add in a focused beam hate and rage filled thoughts.

Step 24
Continue staring.

Step 25
Continue staring.

Step 26
Continue staring.

Step 27
Stop staring due to the light-headed sensation you will be feeling.

Step 28
If at any point the phone rings attempt to sell your iPod to them using a ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ technique. It should be noted that this will probably fail because you’ll be crying a little bit.

Step 29
Return your attention to the iPod. If it is still making ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ noises tell SadMac you fucked his mom.

Step 30
At this point we recommend a gentle tapping of your iPod against a solid object like a wall or a desk.

Step 31
If this fails to fix the iPod you should be more firm in your tapping of the device.

Step 32
If that fails you will need to angrily slam the offending iPod against something wall. If a *Ping* sound is added to the aforementioned ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ sound then you have done more harm then good to your iPod.

Step 33
Wait for the next ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop…*Ping*’ and smash the side of iPod against the palm of your hand.

Step 34
Look at your iPod. If you see the main menu on screen and the notice the lack of ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop…*Ping*’ sounds you are allowed to break into tears.

Step 35
Slap yourself in the face and pull yourself together.

Step 36
Locate whatever song you wish to hear and press play.

Step 37
If you are still reading it means that your iPod has frozen again.

Step 38
If you hear the ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ sound you need to calmly set down the iPod and leave the house.

Step 39
You’ll have to pick up the items necessary to create the contraption detailed in the next step.

Step 40
As you are building a device in your front year there is the possibility that curious neighbourhood children will come by to see what you are building. You can use the below dialogue to inform them of what you are doing.

“Hello young’uns. I bet all of you are curious as to what I’m doing here. Well, I’m building a device that will help me fix my broken iPod. Y’see, first I place the iPod on the painted target here on the floor of the platform. This is where it needs to be in order for it to be properly fixed. When the iPod is properly placed I can begin to activate the machine. See this spring-loaded mallet, this one that’s separate from the platform? When I press this button it will spring forward into this panel attached to the front of the platform. The panel is a pressure release mechanism and is attached to the end of that rope. Now, see how that rope goes all the way up the pole? Well, the other end of the rope is tied to a bag containing fifty pounds of manure. When the target is hit the pressure release mechanism is, well, released and the bag of manure will fall. Also, the manure has been soaked in camp fuel and will be set on fire on the way down. When the bag of flaming manure hits the iPod it will magically fix it.”

“Mister, is that really going to fix your iPod?”

“Yeah, it sure as fuck is, little Billy (Jimmy, Susie, Rex)”.

Step 41
When the dialogue with the children is complete you can activate the ‘Fixing Platform’. If everything goes as planned your iPod will be fixed. Keep an eye open for children who have suffered any burns and/or blunt force trauma.

Step 42
You should feel free to remain outside, drop your pants in joy and dance around the flaming pile of manure.

Step 43
Make sure to run inside when the cruisers pull up. Also make sure to pull your pants back up before you talk to the police.

Step 44
Politely explain to the officers the entire situation. Leave nothing out.

Step 45
With any luck the officers will understand and give you a warning, in which case continue reading. If the officers do not understand you will no longer be in need of this guide.

Step 46
Wait for officer to leave and then Pee on the remaining small fires to put them out.

Step 47
There is a small chance you will hear a ‘Vwrrrrrr…*Click*Clink*Stop’ coming from somewhere, which will be the sound of your mind breaking.

Step 48
At this point if would probably be in everyone interest if you remove your pants, hang a rope from nearest tree and dance the Grim Fandango.

We hope this guide has resolved any and all problems you might be experiencing with your iPod. Thank you for choosing French for Grapefruit How-To Guides.

~Fin~