French for Grapefruit

Step 1: Be inspired by your own life

If you want to write an independent film you have to remember that completely imagined idea’s are frowned upon. Remember, whatever has happened to you is probably far more interesting then anything you could possibly dream up. Why go through all the trouble of trying to craft a film that requires the intense sculpting and obsessive reworking needed to lend authenticity when you can simply plagiarize your own life and then commit it to celluloid? I mean, really, what’s easier and better for your shallow sense of self esteem, constructing a work of complete fiction or rewriting you life to make you a hero?

Step 2: D.I.Y

To make an independent film you’re going to have to be a little bit megalomaniac. Assuming you have already “done it yourself” and written the script you should probably go ahead and make yourself the Executive Producer and Director of your project as well. If anyone questions your judgment or artistic vision you need to ask yourself (and then), “Who could do this better then me”? Nobody, that’s who! Nobody is better suited to commit your life story to film but you and anyone who works with you should be aware of that! Besides, if that weren’t true would you really be writing, producing and directing your own movie? Remember, no one knows your own life like you!

While your at it you might as well edit it too.

Step 3: Write the Movie

So, you know the movie is either going to be about you or based on event that happened to you. Where do you go from here, how do you make it look like this is a work of fiction and not an autobiography? Well, there are some simple rules that can be applied in order to make sure that your movie looks and feels “indie” enough:

• Characters
  The characters in your movie, if they aren’t your cinematic avatar, should to be one-dimensional and devoid of complex motivations and/or personalities. These aren’t needed as it takes the focus away from you and you don’t want the audience invested in anyone but you. As a substitute for character depth you need your supporting cast to each to have a “thing”, something that defines that character to the exclusion of anything else. This “thing” is the prism for how the character interacts and deals with the world.As an aside, if you have forgone writing about yourself or have opted to make some kind of ensemble piece (like the fool you are), your characters “things” need to be portrayed as either something negative that needs to be overcome or as something positive that others need to embrace. If you’re the main character in your movie no other characters development matters, so be sure to use this “thing” to marginalize your other characters and rob them of any power or place in the film.
• Unnecessary or Bizarre Sexual Content
  The above doesn’t mean including buggery or pedophilia in your movie, unless that is a part of your life story. It simply means that at some point in your movie someone needs to do something sexual that doesn’t do anything to advance the plot or themes of the movie, is not considered a “normal” sex act by any societal standard and is usually done in secret. Bonus points if you can get a teenager or pre-teen to commit this act, but if so it should probably be a harmless, solo act that can’t be misconstrued as exploiting children. Unless you were exploited.
• Dialogue
  Dialogue is pretty easy for independent films. Firstly, you should ensure that your dialogue is highly constructed and unnatural so that your actors delivery is highly stilted. In fact, the more forced your actors look and sound while trying to get their mouths around your words the better your indie cred. You should also try to use cultural, philosophical or historical references in a way that is either incorrect or so superficial that it won’t actually educate anyone but will serve to make you appear “deep” to the stupid and/or ignorant.

Step 4: The Production Process

As with step three, step four is pretty easy in and of itself. As long as you follow the below advise and you’re golden, boy.

• Production Values
  Who needs ‘em? Not you! You’re going to shake up the perception of what a good movie is by ignoring traditional, time tested production values and standards. Who needs properly synched speech, well-lit shots, proper framing and camera movement, balanced audio or effective foley sound when you’ve got moxie? Not you!
• Soundtrack
  Make sure you have the following: a) A few songs by independent bands that no one has ever heard of b) one song by either David Bowie, Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones c) use other’s music & words to tell the parts of the story or express emotions that your words cannot. If you can follow these three steps the soundtrack will be a perfect complement to your “movie”.
• Casting
  This one is also a no-brainer. Find the actor-of-the-moment who is either in transition from comedic to serious roles or the washed-up actor who is looking to relaunch his or her career. Make sure your real life friends get plum supporting roles, no matter how inept they might be in the craft. Finally, make sure you give yourself a minor role, because your stamp isn’t on this project enough already.
• Directing
  Be sure to ruthlessly crush any attempts of your cast to be creative or to artistically interpret your vision. Be dictatorial when you have to, your title is Director after all, so this is to be expected. Make sure that no one but you can take any credit for the acting in the movie, especially if there is any possibility that on of the actors could be singled out for a memorable performance.

Step 5: Promoting the Movie

Okay, this is a big step for you because it assumes that you’ve actually managed to make the movie. Aside from actually writing and making the movie this is the most important step in this process.

Firstly, cut a trailer that in no way reflects the themes or plot of your movie. In fact, if you’ve made a drama your trailer should position it as a comedy, and if you’ve made a comedy your trailer should give away all the funniest parts in an attempt to trick movie goers into believe that there are even funnier moments in the film, which of course, there aren’t.

Secondly, if you end up being interviewed about the movie be sure to talk about how the story is very “personal” and isn’t the sort of thing Hollywood is interesting in producing. Make sure you speak to the depth of the plot, the strength and universality of the themes and how you were surrounded by such amazing actors that it made the process effortless. Also, be sure to take shots at established actors, directors, producers, studio’s and critics if you deem it necessary. Be especially harsh on critics who were harsh on your work. What do they know? They don’t make movies, they’ve simply made it their goal in life to provide a detailed analysis of films from the perspective of a movie goer. Assholes.

Thirdly, develop a mystique. You need to be sure that people become invested in you as a person, because you’re just as interesting as your art, if not more so. It won’t matter what you say or how to develop this mystique, so I’ll leave this up to you. The main thing to do is make sure that critics and movie goers alike remember you and details of your life, not details about your movies.

Conclusion

That’s it. There isn’t anything more you need to know. If you follow the steps laid out in this guide you could end up the next indie film darling, and you’ll be attending film festivals from Cannes to Toronto promoting yourself…I mean, your film.

~Fin~