French for Grapefruit

An Introduction to Dragonkind

“Seven years ago Dragons were creatures of myth, existing not in our forests or skies but in legends and novels.

Six years ago myth and legend were shattered when Dragons appeared, mysteriously, outside of Freeman Genetics®.

Since that fateful day several human beings have been killed worldwide in Dragon attacks, with almost double that number receiving various injuries. In addition to the loss of human life Dragons have decimated wild rabbit, bullfrog and raccoon populations across the globe. They’ve caused tens of thousands of dollars of property damage and rendered the literary Fantasy genre obsolete.

We at F4G How-To Guides believe Dragonkind to be the newest, deadliest threat facing humanity today. We’re tired of asking questions like “How can I protect my family from this Draco-terrorist threat” and “Why do Dragons hate our freedom?” In this guide you will learn not only how to protect yourself against Dragon attacks but how to hunt down and kill the evildoers in their own territory, even if the Dragon isn’t capable of attacking you or defending itself.

Step 1: Identifying a Dragon

The first step to slaying dragons is being able to effectively and properly identify a dragon. The easiest way to do this upon suspicion of spotting a dragon is to ask yourself this series of questions:

1. Did I just see a giant, flying lizard?
2. Have I taken any hallucinogens?
3. Am I prone to hallucinating?

If the answer to questions 1 and 2 is “Yes” please ignore what you think you saw, go back inside and suck on some orange slices.

If the answer to questions 1 and 3 is “Yes” please contact your caregiver or doctor.

If the answer is “Yes” to question 1 only proceed to the next list of questions.

1. Is the giant flying lizard breathing fire?
2. Does the giant flying lizard appear to be coveting your treasure?
3. Is the giant flying lizard abducting a local princess?
4. Is the giant flying lizard engaged in battle with a local knight?

If the answer to all of these questions is “No” then you have probably seen either a wyvern or a Qilin. Although these creatures can pose threats please note that this guide will be unable to assist you in slaying them.

If the answer is “Yes” to one or more of these questions then you are dealing with a dragon.

Step 2: Determining the Threat

“Once you have confirmed a dragon is active your area the next step is to determine if the dragon poses a threat.

Please review the following list. If the answer to any of the following questions is “Yes” then conflict with the wyrm is inevitable:

1. Are you an unjust and corrupt King, Emperor or other unelected sovereign?
2. If you are an unjust and corrupt King, Emperor or unelected sovereign do you have an innocent daughter who is beloved of your vassals and is the heir to your throne?
3. Are you a knight who has slain many dragons, thus earning the ire of dragonkind?
4. Do you have any treasure(s) that would be worth coveting?
5. Are you on any kind of holy/god-ordained or prophesized quest, or a coming of age trial/journey?

Step 3: Be Prepared

“We’ve determined that conflict with a dragon is unavoidable. The next step is to determine the theatre in which the conflict will occur. Will you be journeying to slay it on your own or will you fortify your home and prepare to fight it on your own terms?

If you are planning on defending your home against the inevitable dragon incursion please follow the below steps:

1. Coat your house in a fine layer of Scotch Guard® to prevent the small fires that will occur when a dragon bathes your home in flames
2. In addition to the above, if you can get a hold of some Asbestos you should coat your house in the stuff
3. Have between 30 and 50 fire extinguishers on hand
4. Have the local Fire Department on speed dial
5. If you do not have vassals I suggest hiring roughly 100 mercenaries to serve as fodder
6. Have several 50 foot by 50 foot steel cable nets handy
7. Consider fortifying your property by adding a palisade or a rampart
8. Learn to use a ballista and then have one installed on your roof, or failing that, in your backyard
9. If you are unable to get a hold of a ballista see what you can do about acquiring some sort of gun turret
10. Learn magic

If you plan to seek the dragon out and fight it one-on-one please follow the below steps:

1. Learn to ride a horse and fight with a lance, battle-axe and broadsword
2. Buy a horse, lance, battle-axe and broadsword
3. Buy a suit of armour and wear it for at least one calendar year to grow accustomed to its weight
4. Scotch Guard® your armour, weapons and horse
5. Learn magic
6. Once magic is learned be sure to prepare all necessary spells the night before actual dragon slaying takes place
7. Convert to belief system that teaches reincarnation. If this step is taken be sure to have good karma before engaging the dragon in combat

Step 4: Actually Slaying the Dragon

“To actually slay the Dragon you need to follow these four steps, regardless of whether you are defending or attacking.

1. Avoid getting melted by the dragon’s fire-breath
2. Avoid getting ripped apart by talons
3. Avoid getting chewed and/or eaten by teeth/mouth
4. Make sure to hit the dragon three times on the diamond shaped mark on his stomach. At this point a triangle shaped mark will be revealed on its forehead. Hit this spot three times and you’ll have cleared the boss, by which we mean slain the dragon

Conclusion

“This guide has given you the advice, knowledge and tools necessary to slay any dragon; it is now up to you to take the advice, knowledge and tools imparted here and turn them into action. Sally forth brave Dragon Slayer, and meet your fate!