French for Grapefruit

We here at French for Grapefruit understand that buying your first home can be an difficult and oftentimes trying experience. For that reason we took it upon ourselves to write the definitive guide on purchasing your first home.

*Please note that this guide is written with the sole intent of preparing you for the process of purchasing your first home, not the process of making said purchase any easier*

Step 1: Is it time for me/us to buy my/our first Home?

• If you are single please proceed to Section A
• If you are in a committed relationship or married please move to Section B

Section A

Please read the question in Figure A.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure A.1

Do you live with your parents?

• If you answered “Yes” then please proceed to Figure A.2
• If you answered “No” then proceed to Figure A.3

Figure A.2

Are you over the age of 30?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Figure A.3
• If you answered “No” then you can move forward to Figure A.3 if you wish, but are under no obligation to do so
  *Legal Disclaimer - Reading the last sentence obligates you to do so*

Figure A.3

Do you have a job?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Figure A.4
• If you answered “No” then please obtain employment before proceeding to Figure A.4

FFG Tip: I hear the MacDonald’s on Dorchester Avenue is looking for a Part Time Night Shift Supervisor, try there first.

Figure A.4

Are you resigned to carrying hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt for many long, hard years in order to build up a small amount of equity?

• If you answered “Yes” then please proceed to Step 2
• If you answered “No” I suggest you allow the world more time to beat you into submission. When the facts of life in North America have adequately pummeled your spirit please proceed to Step 2

Section B
Please read the checklist in figure B.1 and answer yes or no:

Figure B.1

Are you married or in a committed relationship?

• If you answered “Married” skip forward to Figure B.3
• If you answered “In a Committed Relationship” please move to Figure B.2

Figure B.2

Do you currently live with your partner (i.e. Living in Sin) or do you reside separately?

• If you answered “Living in Sin” then please proceed to figure B.3
• If you answered “Reside Separately” FFG recommends domiciling with your partner for a minimum of one calendar year before proceeding to Figure B.3

Figure B.3

Do you enjoy living with your partner?

• If you answered “Yes” please proceed to Step 2.
• If you answered “No” I’d say you have some thinking to do mister/miss. Don’t you?

Step 2: What You Can Afford and The Pre-Approval Process

• If you are a sensible person with solid financial planning skills and an understanding of personal finance management please proceed to Section C.
• If you are a ridiculous person who has no tangible concept of what is affordable and what isn’t please proceed to Section D.

Section C

Please read the question in Figure C.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure C.1

Do you have a rough idea of how large a mortgage you can afford?

• If you answered “Yes” please proceed to Figure C.2
• If you answered “No” FFG recommends figuring it out. When have you may proceed to Figure C.2

Figure C.2

Have you been pre-approved for a mortgage by a lender?

• If you answered “Yes” please proceed to Figure C.3
• If you answered “No” FFG recommends spending the next several years accumulating assets while improving your credit rating. When this is accomplished then proceed to Figure C.3

Figure C.3

Do you realize that banks/mortgage lenders will pre-approve you for more then you can afford and that you should be prepared to purchase a house worth less then your pre-approved limit?

• If you answered “Yes” please proceed to Step 3.
• If you answered “No” please ensure that you should not be reading Section D of this Step. If you fully believe you shouldn’t be reading Section D then continue to Step 3 armed with the knowledge that banks/mortgage lenders will always pre-approve you for more then you are able to afford.

Section D

Please read the question in Figure D.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure D.1

Do you have a rough idea of how large a mortgage you can afford?

• If you answered “No” then please proceed to Figure D.3
• If you answered “Who Cares” please proceed to figure D.2

Figure D.2

Do you actually believe you’re ready for home ownership? And please note I’m being serious when I ask this.

• If you answered “Fuck you and fuck your bullshit, I’ll do as I fucking please!” please don’t hurt me. Also, proceed to Figure D.3
• If you answered “I dunno, I guess” then perhaps you should attempt to reign in the apathy, as it does not mix well with home ownership. If you manage to accomplish this then you can proceed to Figure D.3

Figure D.3

Have you been pre-approved for a mortgage?

• If you answered “I’ma Fucking Cut You” or “Bitch Please” please proceed to figure D.4
• If you answered “No” or “I Have To Do That?” then I have no idea how you got this far.

Figure D.4

Are you already carrying substantial debt from Credit Cards, Lines of Credit, Secured, Unsecured, Payday or Mob loans?

• If you answered “Yes” and aren’t adverse to receiving suggestions then you should investigate the possibility of consolidating your existing debt into a mortgage, thus taking advantage of a lower interest rate. Proceed to Figure D.5
• If you answered “Yes” but are adverse to receiving suggestions then I’ll just awkwardly drop the subject. Proceed to Figure D.5

Figure D.5

Do you realize that banks/mortgage lenders will pre-approve you for more then you are able to afford, so you should be prepared to purchase a house worth far less then your pre-approved limit?

• If you answered “Yes” then perhaps there is hope for you. Proceed to Step 3.
• If you answered “I Won’t Settle For Anything” then you will make your bank and Realtor very happy. Proceed to Step 3.

Step 3: Finding a Realtor

Please read the question in Figure E.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure E.1

Have you found a real estate agent who is meets your needs and who you feel you can work with?

• If you answered “Yes” please proceed to Step 4.
• If you answered “No” please proceed to Figure E.2

Figure E.2

Have you been going to reputable brokerages or have you been trying to find the lowest comission?

• If you answered “Reputable Brokerages” then please continue to look, you’ll find someone soon enough. When you have you can proceed to Step 4.
• If you answered “Lowest Commission” you are an idiot and most likely a stingy bastard. The purchasing Realtor takes a cut from the sale of the home, therefore you do not directly pay them, therefore quit being a horse’s ass.

Step 4: Finding your House

Please read the question in Figure F.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure F.1

Have you made a list of what you would like in the house you are about to purchase? Furthermore, have you divided that list into things you cannot live without (i.e. Priorities) and things you can live without (i.e. Extra’s/Bonus Features)?

• If you answered “Yes” you get a Gold Star for being attentive to detail. Please proceed to Figure F.
• If you answered “No” please proceed to Figure F.2.

Figure F.2

Do you have any idea what you’re doing?

• If you answered “I’m easy about this kind of stuff” or “I’m more concerned about the feel of a home then it’s features” then proceed to Figure F.3. By the by, I feel compelled to let you know you’re probably a hippie.
• If you answered “Not really” or “Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing , do I?” perhaps you need to not buy a house right now. I’m just saying.

Figure F.3

Have you found the house you’d like to purchase yet?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Step 5.
• If you answered “No” you should quit being so freaking picky. Lower your standards and keep looking, like you did when you met your boyfriend/girlfriend. Proceed to Step 5 when you have found the house.

Step 5: Making an Offer

Please read the question in Figure G.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure G.1

Is the listed price of the house reflective of its true value?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Figure G.3.
• If you answered “No” then proceed to Figure G.2

Figure G.2

Do you consider yourself a reasonable person?

• If you answered “Yes” then offer what you believe is a reasonable price for the house. Try to select one that reflects the houses value to both the seller and yourself then proceed to Figure G.3
• If you answered “No” then proceed to Figure G.3 after making an obnoxious, insulting offer.

Figure G.3

Is there anything else you need to include in your offer i.e. Repairs, Agreements, Closing Date, Included Appliances and Fixtures?

• If you answered “Yes” be sure to state exactly what you would like included in your purchase on the offer sheet. Make sure that the clauses are easy to understand and leave little room for interpretation, then proceed to Figure G.4.
• If you answered “No” then aren’t you just a little moneybags, huh?. So, Trust Fund Baby or Lottery Winner? Proceed to Figure G.4, or hire someone to read it to you you spoiled brat.

Figure G.4

Was your offer accepted?

• If the answer is “Yes” then you have agreed in principal to purchase the home in question. Proceed to Step 6.
• If the answer is “No” then review the offer that was signed back to you, admit to yourself that you were being an asshole asking for $30,000 less then the listed price while asking for all of the appliances and fixtures and a closing date three weeks away. Consider revising your offer until it is acceptable to both parties, then proceed to Step 6.

Step 6: The Home Inspection

Please read the question in Figure H.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure H.1

Have you had the home inspected by a professional home inspector?

• If the answer is “Yes” proceed to Figure H.2
• If the answer is “No” then what the hell are you waiting for? Get on it people, this is important!

Figure H.2

Did the home inspection turn up anything of concern?

• If the answer is “No” then proceed to Step 7.
• If the answer is “Yes” then proceed to Figure H.3

Figure H.3

How serious is the issue discovered in the inspection?

• If the answer is “Some I can fix myself” then please proceed to Step 87
• If the answer is “Something I can’t fix but isn’t urgent” then proceed to Step 7
• If the answer is “Holy Mother of god, we’re not going to be able to get insurance and this house sexually assaulted me… somehow” then proceed to Figure H.4

Figure H.4

Seeing as issues that large are a legitimate reason for withdrawing from an offer is the seller open to futher revisions to the purchase agreement stating she or he will fix the before problem the closing date?

• If the answer is “Yes” make all necessary revisions to the Purchase Agreement in plain language, then proceed to Step 7
• If the answer is “No” then walk away, you don’t need that shit, you’ve got enough going on without all that hassle, man.

Step 8: Obtaining a Mortgage

Please read the question in Figure I.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure I.4

Will the bank give you your mortgage?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Step 9.
• If you answered “No”, then the bank doesn’t feel it is a reasonable investment. This could be because they feel you have made an offer on a home that you realistically can’t afford, or because they are dicks. In reality, it’s the former, but in the deluded world you clearly inhabit it’s probably the latter.

Step 9: Obtaining Insurance

Please read the question in Figure J.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure I.4

Can you obtain insurance?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Step 10.
• If you answered “No” then you should probably reconsider the house you are purchasing as something really fucked up must be wrong with it if you can’t get insurance.

Step 10: Closing Day

Please read the question in Figure K.1 and answer Yes or No:

Figure K.1

Have you moved in?

• If you answered “Yes” then proceed to Figure K.2
• If you answered “No” then you should move in. Once you have proceed to Figure K.2

Figure K.2

Has the seller fulfilled his or her commitments outlined in the purchase agreement?

• If the answer is “Yes” then you have successfully completed this tutorial. Congratulations on your new home, we’re sure you’ll be happy there until you run out of room and need a larger house.
• If the answer is “No” then ask a friend to burn the house down while you (and your significant other, if one is available) are out of town for a few days “visiting family”. Remember this advice our uncle gave us before he went to prison for, ironically, insurance fraud, “kid, insurance fraud isn’t actually fraud until the insurance company finds out it is the victim of fraud. Make sure you are out of the country when that happens.”

We’ll leave you with those words of wisdom, and not because we have a flight leaving in about three hours, but because we hear sirens. Thank you for taking the time to read our latest How To Guide.

~Fin~