French for Grapefruit

Wendy woke up to a glorious Saturday morning.

The sun was shining, birds were chirping, golfers were golfing, thieves were thieving, squirrels were squirreling. Yes sir, it was a typical, if not glorious Saturday morning in her sleepy little town.

Unfortunately, things quickly deteriorated to near unmanageable proportions slightly before the moment she first she opened her eyes and slightly after the moment she realized she had some serious morning breath going on.

When she had gone to bed the night before Wendy had promised herself to make the following day a highly productive one. Perhaps she’d even have time to catch up on the daily chores and afterwards watch a few taped episodes of her new favourite show, Jungle Cowboys of the Serengeti.

After blinking the sleep out of her eyes Wendy reached out for her husband has she did every morning, to pinch his nose and clamp his mouth shut so he would wake up in them mist terrifying manner possible. But instead of her husbands fat face she found only a note that read:

“Wendy, I’m leaving you. Sorry for the late notice, but I figure I’d be safest if you were asleep. See you in court.”

Jacob.

P.S. - I think the children might be zombies.”

She bolted for the children’s room and shook them awake.

After they were awake she subjected them to a quick round of mathematical flash cards, which her son failed miserably, as the answer to 6 divided by 3 is not “Mrrrrrwkk”. When she asked her daughter she replied 3. It doesn’t look good.

She then asked each of them to read a short sentence from To Kill a Mockingbird, which her son ate and then vomited back up. Her daughter asked “What the fuck kind of name is Scout?” It appeared that her (soon to be ex) husband was right, both her son and daughter had succumbed to the zombifying flu that had been making the rounds.

Although she loved her children, she knew from the newscasts that the government would burn them both at the stake if she didn’t do it herself. Burning at the stake was the best cure that modern medicine/science had devised but it had the unfortunate side effect of leaving the victims of the treatment dead. Needless to say it was not a popular cure.

So she prepared a pyre in the backyard and after a long and deadly struggle that Wendy barely survived, she managed to get both her children tied up set about burning them to death. She did get some weird looks from the neighbours as her children went up in smoke. But weird looks from the neighbours were nothing new to Wendy.

It should be noted that the children were free from the terrible life of today’s modern zombie, the highlights of which include shambling to and fro whilst searching for flesh to eat and ability to communicate only in groans. These were the only skills that the modern zombie possessed, and in today’s go-go-go world they just aren’t enough to be successful.

When she attempted to take a shower to wash off the ashes of her dead children and get the smell of their burning bodies out of her hair the shower was out of water altogether, and thus she had to wash herself in Tang, the only liquid left in the house. This of course left her quite sticky and also bereft of anything to drink with her breakfast.

When she attempted to make breakfast the waffle iron had bitten her, which could have been worse, as it had cauterized the wounds at the same time as it created them.

After the waffle iron incident it occurred to Wendy that something slightly abnormal was going on, and she didn’t like it. She figured maybe it was time to do something about it.

So, she went down the creaky stairs to the library she and her (ex) husband had built in the basement. The room wasn’t small, but it wasn’t big either. It was a textbook example of a mid-sized room. However, this particular mid-sized room housed a deadly secret, one which Wendy was about to let loose on the world. She went to the row of shelves on the north wall and found the book she was looking for, “The Secrets to Weight Loss, Enlightenment and Becoming a Millionaire in 37 & 1/3 easy steps”.

She stretched her shaky hand towards the book and hesitated as she was about to grasp it. The implications of what she was about to do shook her to the core of her self; she wasn’t sure if she possessed the intestinal fortitude to do what had to be done. Steeling her soul against the horrible task at hand, she pulled on the book. Now, what she was expecting was a secret door to be revealed behind the bookcase on the West wall, however, what happened was the book came off the shelf into her hand.

She realised she had pulled the wrong book and scanned the shelf for the one she was looking for. This time she was much more successful in opening the secret door when she pulled on “Vietnam: A Land of Opportunity”.

A bookshelf on the West wall swung open, revealing a room smaller than the mid-sized room, but still not quite a small room. It was a textbook example of a slightly smaller than average mid-sized room. When she entered the slightly smaller than average mid-sized room she heard a grunt coming from the figure tied to the chair in the centre of the room. At first she thought the man tied to the chair had caught the zombie flu, but she was incorrect, it’s just that last time she and her (ex) husband had been down here they had broken the man’s jaw and hadn’t had it set, so obviously he couldn’t speak properly. Wendy strolled over to the man tied to the chair and popped a squat right down in front of him.

“So, here’s the thing, I’ve had a really bad morning and I need a favour.”

The man in the chair grunted a very disgruntled sounding grunt.

“Listen to me, I need this favour, and I’m going to get it if it’s the last thing I do.”

The man in the chair grunted again, a really disinterested type of grunt.

“I’m serious, deadly serious. If I get this favour, I’ll let you go.”

The man in the chair grunted a third time; this time it was the opposite of a disinterested grunt and therefore an interested grunt.

“I need you to…”

Her sentence was never finished as at this exact moment the Earth was obliterated for no particular reason. It was as if the earth committed suicide, or perhaps like a drug-addled Rock Star chocking to death on his or her own vomit the earth had accidentally killed ceased to be. No one would ever know, as they were know all dead.

“Jesus Christ…” said Wendy after the racket had died down.

“Yes,” said Jesus.

“Oh, I was just taking your name in vain. Sorry…”

“That’s ok, I do it too sometimes. But for the record, lets try to keep it to a minimum ok?”

“Yeah, I can do that, thanks Jesus.”

“No problem. Hey, you want to meet Buddha, he’s a pretty cool guy!”

“Sure things Jesus. Hey, one question, am I in Heaven?”

“Yep.”

“OK, why did the world end Jesus?”

“No particular reason, although I’m sure it was a mistake.”

“OK, how do mistakes happen in Heaven Jesus?”

“Fuck, why do you have so many questions? Jesu…well, see, I almost did it.”

“Oh Jesus,” Wendy said, her voice full of lukewarm affection.

Wendy and Jesus Christ had a good laugh and then went and played on the best swing set ever!

~Fin~