French for Grapefruit

So it occurred to me this morning that I really don’t like Old Timey Phones.

If you asked me why I don’t think I could give you one good reason like “This one time I was using an Old Timey Phone to talk to my boss and because it was so poorly constructed I couldn’t hear what he was saying clearly. He wanted me to close the deal on the Perkins account, but what I thought I heard was him asking me to purchase one metric tonne of elephant dung and have it dumped into his newly built swimming pool. Although the request did seem a tad unusual for Mr. Hatmothsbottom I did as thought he had asked, but unfortunately his two children, which doctors had told him he’d never have, were in the pool at the time. They were crushed, or possible suffocated, under the deluge of elephant dung. Needless to say, Old Timey Phones cost me my career.”

It is more a bunch of little things that add up to a mild to medium dislike of Old Timey Phones.

For instance, did you ever notice that Old Timey Phones are completely obsolete, and they have been for almost one hundred years now? Do you have any idea how hard it would be to use one of these devices in modern day [your country]? I mean, they don’t even have a rotary dial or touch-tone keypad on them! What would you do if you’re found yourself in a situation where you needed to use a phone and the only one available was a jerkstore Old Timey Phone? You’d be forced to pray that someway, somehow, you’ll get through to an operator without having to manually input any information. Otherwise you best hope and pray that the Old Timey Phone you’re using is capable of sending your voice back in time to an Old Timey Operator who somehow has a miraculous technology capable of connecting you to whom you wish to speak with in what to them would be the future.

Also, what’s the point of a technology even existing in the first place if it’s just going to get replaced by a newer, more efficient technology thirty years later? Do you not find it frustrating as a consumer when, strictly because of slick marketing and bragging rights, you get on-board with the first generation of a technology and then BAM, thirty years into its lifecycle you look like an out of touch idiot using the same piece of your phone to speak into and listen from while your neighbour has a phone that has the mouthpiece and receiver all in one piece? I want you to stop and ask yourself “what’s the point in being excited by and acquiring a new technology when it’s going to be outdated three short decades later?” Let me answer that question with a statement, “There isn’t a point, the obsolescence of Old Timey Phones has proved that.”

To summarize, all Old Timey Phones should be advised to stop calling my house and asking if my fridge is running at three in the morning.